The H.A.L.E. Method
I work with some truly amazing people; kind, compassionate and thoughtful people. Altruists. Caring people. People who I call friends — some, even family.
Naturally, I get my fair share of people trying me, testing me, seeing how far they can push me. Most do it unconsciously and unintentionally, though. And those are people whom I care about and treasure. They're my friends and my family. Sometimes, a friend may act rude, insensitive or insolent towards me. Sometimes, a family member may hurt me. At times they don't even realise that they're hurting me — and yet, I get hurt still.
This happens to everyone. But, how do we handle such situations? The common wisdom says stay silent if you're angry or about to say something that may damage the relationship... because you might come to regret later.
The trick lies in recognizing that whatever people do or say is simply a reflection of their own reality; their own state of being; their own mindset. It’s never about us — it never was. When we are able to see through people's hurt and spot the pain beneath it, we then realise that they were just venting their pain. So instead of responding in kind and exacerbating their pain, we could respond with kindness and help them heal that pain.
I always try to ask myself when someone is mistreating me or saying something hurtful to me "If this is the last thing I'm ever going to get to say to this person, if this is the last time we'll ever get to hear each others' voices or read each others' texts or look into each others' eyes, am I satisfied with what I am about to say?"
Because here's the thing: we usually take people for granted, especially if we're used to them being around us all the time. We don't think the last time is actually going to be the last time; we always think we have more. But we don't.
We have this tendency to believe we know what others are going through, when in reality, we have no idea.
So I keep in mind that I am completely clueless as to what others are going through. Everyone is fighting their own fight, wading their way through their own battles; battles that we mostly never ever hear of.
There is also another mental tactic I use. When dealing someone, even if they're the one who have been mistreating or trying to hurt me, I try to look at that person and ask myself "If this person was my child and someone came and treated them just like I'm about to treat them, how would that make me feel?"
Now, how do we epitomize all those realizations and have a practical, workable and simple method when choosing how to respond to others, whether they're hurting us, lashing out at us, or mistreating us in any way, especially if they're our friends or loved ones?
Enter the H.A.L.E. Method:
Help (them heal)
Accept (them for who it is they are)
Leverage (their strengths)
Empower (them to find their true potential)
Firstly, Help them heal.
Put those shattered pieces back together. Help them find their inner peace. We can’t truly enjoy what we’re running towards until we’re at peace with what we’re running from.
One of my facourite pieces from Ram Dass is when he said, “Together we are all on a journey called life. We are all a little broken and a little shattered inside. Each one of us is aspiring to make it to the end. None is deprived of pain here and we have all suffered in our own ways. I think our journey is all about healing ourselves and healing each other in our own special ways. Let's just help each other put all those pieces back together and make it to the end more beautifully. Let us help each other survive.”
Then, Accept them for who it is they are.
What I've noticed is that people who haven't accepted others for who it is they are, in most cases, haven't accepted themselves for who it is they are. Everyone is right in their own perspective. Allow them to be who it is they are.
As Alan Watts puts it “Things are as they are. Looking out into the universe at night, we make no comparisons between right and wrong stars, nor between well and badly arranged constellations."
There's nothing inherently harmful about complaining when we feel annoyed by the people we love. To love people means we won't love everything about them. The people we love are not perfect, and their imperfections will sometimes bother us. So, perhaps we should begin to normalize not liking everything about the people we love.
Perhaps, it's just something to accept about people: they will at times get on your nerves, and you can still love them.
Next, Leverage their strengths.
Everyone has their elemental power. Catalyze their minds and skills. Help them grow. Positivity is crucial here.
Strong people don’t get others to believe in them; true leaders find ways to get others to believe .. in themselves.
Finally, Empower them.
Empowering others is the last and final stage of helping others find their true potential.
Don’t threaten their sense of autonomy or competence, but rather, support it. Guide them. Remember that we can’t really teach people anything, we can only help them discover it within themselves. Do not deprive them of their power of choice — don't even make them feel as if it's under threat.
Closed-minded people care about what is right;
Open-minded ones care about who is right;
Wise people, however, care to understand.
No one is ever truly wrong. There is no right or wrong answer — everything is about understanding.
So next time you find yourself in a situation where a friend, colleague or even a complete stranger is getting on your nerves or you feel an old hurt rankling in your head, remember that H.A.L.E. Method. Apply it and you'll be pleasantly astonished at the result.
This is what it means to be emotionally intelligent: it is learning to leverage your emotions to achieve your goals. It's make your emotions work for you, rather than against you. But more critically, it means leveraging other people's emotions to make it more likely that you will achieve your goals.
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